You are looking at a fully armed and operational automatic hands-free sperm extractor that's about to go into action at Zhengzhou Central Hospital in China. It's only $2,800. The future is now.
From what we can tell from the video below, one sticks one joystick into that, uh, orifice* there, and some unspecified but (we have to assume and hope) quite pleasant stuff happens deep inside the machine, and then boom goes the dynamite.
To enhance your extraction experience, the machine's frequency, amplitude and temperature are all independently controllable, meaning that you can have it fast, slow, hard, soft, hot, cold, or any combination thereof, which is likely better than you could possibly hope for in real life. And for users who need additional help with the extraction process, a screen on top of the machine will play videos of whatever you want.**
This machine is not specifically for donating sperm (or for personal fulfillment), but instead it's designed as an aid for male infertility patients. Zhu Guoxin, director of the urology department at the Zhengzhou Central Hospital, explains with a straight face:
"Perhaps netizens misunderstood the usage of the machine, and thought it was used for sperm donation. In fact, sperm bank has very high standards; donors must go through strict medical examination and they will definitely not use a sperm extractor."
*Or "massage pipe," according to the Daily Mail.
**Up to and including the Apple's iPhone 5 unveil event for those of you who would rather diddle yourselves to that instead of episodes of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic like us normal people.