Large Hadron Collider could send matter back (or forward) in time

If the Large Hadron Collider ever finds that Higgs boson thingy it's been looking for, the LHC may also end up becoming our very first fully armed and operational time machine.

Some researchers at Vanderbilt University have hypothesized that if (or hopefully when) the LHC spits out a Higgs boson, it'll also create a Higgs singlet at the same time. The Higgs singlet, if it exists, cannot be stopped by any force in the 'verse, and in fact is quite happy to travel backwards and forwards in time in the fifth dimension — which apparently exists — along with dimensions six through ten or maybe eleven, according to one specific "theory of everything" called M-theory. The singlet can pop out of the fifth dimension whenever it feels like it, and can hypothetically appear at more or less any point along the space-time continuum.

Here's Vanderbilt University professor Tom Weiler to give you the rundown on what's theoretically practical about this, and what isn't:

Good:

"Our theory is a long shot, but it doesn't violate any laws of physics or experimental constraints."

Totally sucks:*

"One of the attractive things about this approach to time travel is that it avoids all the big paradoxes," Weiler said. "Because time travel is limited to these special particles, it is not possible for a man to travel back in time and murder one of his parents before he himself is born, for example."

All is not lost:

"However, if scientists could control the production of Higgs singlets, they might be able to send messages to the past or future."

Oh, so I could send a message to the past telling me to murder myself, meaning that I would be dead before I had the chance to make it to the future to send a message to myself to murder myself in the past, so I wouldn't actually be murdered in the past?

Ow, my brain. I'm going to go lie down.

Eurekalert, via Kurzweil AI

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* "Totally sucks" being in reference to the part about time travel being limited to the particles, not about me not being able to murder my parents. They're good people who did me a big favor back in the day by enabling my existence.