20 toys for girls that don't look like, er, toys for girls

For all you girls who are alone on Valentine's Day — or you guys who want to get your GFs a little something more than just chocolate and roses — vibrators personal massagers are always a good option. The problem is, vibrators personal massagers aren't something discerning girls want to be seen with. The usual choices are freakish models that look like something out of a David Cronenberg movie, or sleek ones that aren't scary but also aren't going to hide the fact that your date for tonight runs on electricity.

So this Valentine's Day we scoured the planet to find you ladies some better options, discrete vibrators personal massagers that you can have lying around the house and, if they're uncovered, no one will be the wiser to your AAA activities. So read on if you want to cheer yourself up today. Or you can, you know, use them with friends, if that's how you roll. (Note: Some links might be vaguely NSFW, but not by much. Most of these are available on Amazon.com, though.)

Cheap Thrills


1_dolphin.jpg1. Dolphin Massager
Oh, Flipper. If you only knew what those horrible, horrible people at the Organic Bath Company were doing to your likeness. The Dolphin Massager is being touted as an ultimate massage tool. The dolphin's fins are contoured to be similar to thumbs and the dolphin's arches are designed to roll across the contours of the body. Thumbs, contours, fins, arches — is it getting hot in here? Just toss down change and see for yourself. There's not much to lose, unless you lose the dolphin, of course. $6.71

2_flower_power.jpg2. Flower Power

This little Flower Power massager may be perfect for the hippy in you (or in your life). Since it fits right on your keychain, you can use it anywhere — a true testament to your freewheeling ways. Just don't put it behind your ear afterwards. $10

3_octopus.jpg3. The Screaming Octopus

The Screaming Octopus Waterproof Massager promises to be eight times the fun with a tentacle for every occasion. Small, purple and see-through, you may want to keep it out of the toy cabinet as it could easily double as one. Despite its name the Octopus's screams, at least, are silent. $10

4_Apricot-Jelly-Bunny.jpg4. Apricot Jelly Bunny

Ah the original Rabbit vibrator. It’s the one Charlotte used on Sex and the City, the vibrator that launched a thousand bunny imitators. Yet rabbit lovers might be surprised to discover that The Rabbit doesn't look much like a bunny. For that, you'll have to turn to this Apricot Jelly Bunny Vibrator, an adorable bunny-shaped sidekick. $13

5_pulsa_heart.jpg5. Pulsa Heart Sponge

Not everyone likes the hard plastic of most personal massagers. The Pulsa Waterproof Vibrating Massaging Bath Sponge Heart (yes, that's its official name) shows the softer, wetter, and more romantic side of the vibrating scene. A great V-Day gift to share with your sweetie. Wrist lanyard included so you wont, um, lose it anywhere. $19

6_duckie.jpg6. I Rub My Duckie

For once, the I Rub My Duckie Original doesn't want to be the only one — its far-less-subtle cousin I Rub My Duckie Bondage Edition (pictured above) is here to help make bath time (or any time) fun, too. While Original looks like your ordinary yellow-bodied, orange-billed bathing companion, Bondage came dressed for the party in a tailless black corset, spiked collar, and cherry red ball gag. The latter is also available in a smaller travel size, though its loud getup is no less discreet. $20

7_vibra_phone.jpg7. Vibra Phone

We can thank the cellphone for helping to make portable vibrating objects mainstream. In fact, if you're tech savvy you can download a program that turns your phone into a vibrator for free. But we understand if you have better uses for you iPhone: this Vibra Phone will do the job just as well at 5% of the cost of an iPhone. It's still quite discreet and unlike most real cellphones, it has two possible speeds. $20



Midrange Vibes

8_fishie.jpg8. I Rub My Fishie

I Rub My Fishie is just creepy. Look at those bulging eyes, and that smarmy mouth! It may just love what it does, but there's still some level of decency to maintain, right? I Rub My Fishie is a dual-speed massager with a hidden button, and has a hard body up top, and soft, rounded nubs along its belly. As you'd expect from a fish (and a vibrator), it's waterproof. $22

9_lipstick_massager.jpg9. Lipstick Style

The Lipstick Style Massager will make things nice and awkward if you grab the wrong thing after fishing around your purse. Undeniably girly, it comes in hot pink and is billed as being subtle and quiet for some fun on the sly. All you need is one AAA battery and a makeup bag with a lock on it. $25

10_hyda-vibe.jpg10. Hyda-Vibe

The Hyda-Vibe massage pillow wants you to think it's an innocent, pulsating, two-speed massager, but we picked up on its winking from a mile away. It consists of two parts: waterproof foam sleeve, and a long, smooth and slender massaging rod on the inside that pulls right out. So go ahead — fluff up that pillow and have yourself one hell of a bath. $30

11_penguin_2.jpg11. The Penguin

Look at this adorable penguin sitting on its cute little iceberg. It's almost innocent enough to keep on your desk at the office. But we wouldn't recommend it — after all, you never know who's going to walk by and pick it up absentmindedly, only to discover that it's a personal massager. Classy. Perfect for the gal who really loved Surf's Up and Happy Feet. $30

12_wormie.jpg12. I Rub My Wormie

The new I Rub My Wormie is half the size of the previous version you didn't know about, kind of like an inchworm travel size. It's got three different vibration settings, is quiet, and should completely freak you out because you're using a grinning worm to bring in some happy thoughts. Maybe it's worth noting that it's body is made out of several balls, with a row of knobby "legs" along its belly and a few bumps on its spine. I Rub My Wormie is thankfully unavailable. $30

13_naughtygnome.jpg13. The Naughty Gnome

The Naughty Gnome Vibrator is the swinger of the gnome world, trading sunny fields of grass for the indoor variety. He's got a lengthy ribbed beard, a knobby nose and a crooked hat, and features variable speeds. One has to wonder if his eyes are squeezed shut so tightly in concentration, or if he's just seen too much. Either way, like any good gnome, he just wants to rub noses. $35

14_docjohnsoniflex.jpg14. Doc Johnson i-Flex

Don't let your eyes deceive you. The Doc Johnson i-Flex may look like something reserved for a toolbox or garage somewhere, but this tool has other intended purposes. The Doc has a flexible neck that can be positioned into any desired shape for maximum comfort and to prevent hand cramps, of course. The Doc requires a bit of assistance as well, in the form of AA batteries. It's available from Amazon and includes free shipping. Don't believe us? Listen to the Amazon customer review, "Easy to use and clean." It says it right there, folks. $40



The, uh, Cream of the Crop

15_hellokitty.jpg15. Hello Kitty Palm Pal

The genius Hello Kitty Palm Pal guarantees that women will never grow too old for Hello Kitty products. It comes in a variety of colors including purple, pink and black and is studded with cuteness. Oh, you don't mind if Hello Kitty watches, do you? Because she will, sitting atop the vibrator with her beady black eyes unblinking, holding her teddy bear. Watching. $50

16_tuyo-vibra.jpg16. Tuyo Vibra

It's ideas like the Tuyo Vibra that make me ponder why the Frisbee isn't shaped like a block and the pillow isn't made out of rocks — it just doesn't work. The Tuyo Vibra is a ball — a ball massager. The "beautiful curves, bold rhythms and breathtaking sensations" of the Tuyo complement the contours of the female body, which is likely true, but then again, any females looking to use the Tuyo Vibra ball elsewhere may want to limber up because this isn't very convenient with a particular method of use. It includes eight different vibration modes and a silicone grip that's "nonslip." Where's the fun there? $75

17_thecone.jpg17. The Cone

The Cone is one of the most self-explanatory names a massager can get. The selling point of the Cone is its hands-free nature. It sits on the ground with a sturdy plastic base to allow for many different levels of multi-tasking. The Cone includes 16 different massage programs. The one downside is the required three C batteries. Come on, where are the rechargeable lithium-ion batteries? $98

18_njoy.jpg18. njoy Pure Wand

Maybe it's the chrome finish on the njoy that gives the njoy Pure Wand its purity. Maybe it's the "precision" curve that promises to reach any spot you need. Or maybe it's just that it's made of nonporous stainless steel, making it easy to clean. Purity will probably be the last thing on your mind, though since the njoy's metallic construction is an invitation to use it heated or chilled — ideal for dialing up the kink factor in your recreation, though it does elevate the weight up to a manly 24 ounces. $99

19_delight.jpg19. Delight

Uh, we're not sure how the designers of this vibrator got the name Delight from a shape that looks like it's modeled after the chestburster from Alien, but hey, it's got 32 different vibration options and is one of the more fancy vibrators on the list, coming with a case that also acts as a charging cradle. Still, what good are the frills if it scares the dickens out of you? And you know what else isn't a delight? The price. $165

20_pvibe.jpg20. PVibe

If it's a lap of luxury you aim to pleasure, then you're going to want the 24-karat gold-plated PVibe by Kiki De Montparnasse. Covered in gold, the PVibe is shaped like a cufflink and can be worn by him or her (and we don't mean on your sleeves — though you probably could, just wash it) on all sorts of naughty bits when coupled with an elastic ring. It comes in a black silk pouch and even includes complimentary giftwrap. Thanks, Kiki. $350