Good news, prisoners! Well, relatively good news. I have no news relating to you getting out of prison. So, yeah, sorry about that. But good news for your time in jail! You might be getting fewer cavity searches in the future.
That's because this fancy new body orifice security scan is being put to work. Essentially, it's a really expensive ($13,000) chair that is able to detect objects as small as a paper clip hidden up inside of you. Why you'd smuggle a paperclip in your ass is beyond me, but apparently it's mostly designed to stop cellphone smuggling, as phones are used in prison drug deals all the time. Boy, am I glad I'm not in prison! Sucks to be you guys, right?